Pornography addiction

I have held this story close to my chest over the last several years. I think most women and men who have been in my shoes do. It's deeply personal, not entirely just our business and can be so, so hard to talk about. But I also remember that when I was going through this, I so badly wished that I knew some one, any one, who had walked this path before and could tell me it would be okay. I write this post now hoping that maybe one day, one person may stumble upon it when he or she really, really needs to know that they are not alone.



As I share this experience from my first marriage, I also want to be clear that this is not the reason why we divorced. That is something else entirely, so if you have a spouse who is addicted to pornography, let me be the first to tell you that it doesn't have to be the end for you two.

When I met and married my ex-husband, I never once even thought for a second that pornography was an issue. He was a very straight-laced man who came from a very conservative background that the thought never even crossed my mind. One Sunday, the day before things came crashing down, we were sitting in a meeting when pornography addiction actually came up and was discussed. I remember tuning out a bit because I couldn't even imagine that was something I needed to worry about.

The next day was Memorial Day. I remember emptying out the dishwasher that day. The bowls were right-side up and as a result, they were filled with water. I asked my ex if next time to remember that we need to flip them so they rinse out completely. He stormed out of the house. I found him playing basketball in our apartment complex. I told him it was almost time to go to my parents' house soon for dinner. He looked at me in my eyes and said, "I'm not going anywhere with you." I don't think I will ever forget that look. It hurt, but I also think I was used to small discussions becoming big arguments and this was clearly no exception.

Well, I don't remember what I said or did but we ended up getting over the dishwasher debacle and went to my family's house for dinner. As we left, I remember sitting in our car and getting a very distinct feeling that life was about to change for me. I tried shaking it off, but the feeling returned as if to say, "Soak up this moment, Amy, because it's not going to be like this for much longer." It was unsettling, to say the least. My ex got in the car and I told him how I suddenly had this sick feeling that something bad was about to happen. What I didn't realize was that by telling my ex about that feeling, he took it as a sign that it was time for him to tell me what he had wanted to tell me for so long.

We went home and were in our office chatting when he interrupted me with a sentence I will never forget.

"Amy, I have failed you as a husband."

I thought he was talking about Dishwasher Gate, so I quickly assured him not to worry about it. He continued.

He shared that he had been looking at pornography frequently throughout our marriage. That it was a habit that started when he was a young boy, stopped for a while when he served a mission for our church, then picked up again three months after we got married because he was "disappointed." Ouch. Those are tough words for any young wife to hear. He told me that he had tried getting help for it from several resources throughout the years but he ultimately knew that he couldn't get over it until he told me first.

For my ex, this felt like a huge weight lifted off of his shoulders. He was relieved, lighter, hopeful. I, on the other hand, sat there in shock.

I initially responded by saying, "Okay, well let me know how I can help." And then kind of went on with my evening. The next morning, however, I woke up with what felt like the weight of the world on my chest. I couldn't look at him anymore. I could barely think of anything to say to him. I worked from home at the time, and as soon as he left for his job, I would just cry. I had no one to talk to, not my family, not my friends, as this was ultimately my ex's experience and a personal one at that. So I just stayed home and cried.

This went one for about a week, and then I had a "coming to grips" moment. I sat my ex down and told him that I still loved him. Did he still love me? I still wanted to be with him. Did he still want to be with me? He said yes and yes, so we got to work.



He started working with a therapist and we also signed up for group therapy. This was a saving grace for me as it allowed me to connect with other wives who were in similar shoes. Oh, those women. I still keep in touch with one today, but I think of them all and hope they are doing well. My ex and I were going to leave no stone unturned when it came to his recovery, so we put in serious money and serious time to moving past this.

And guess what? Things got so, so much better.

Within a few months, I could see so many changes in my ex and his personality that I felt like I was married to a new man. We would laugh thinking about that dishwasher argument because it was so ridiculous, but the pornography just put him on edge so he reacted so swiftly to little things. But no longer. He was more attentive, more patient and we thrived.

I don't know how or when I started trusting him again, and I will admit that he took a long time, but eventually, I did. He would check in with me frequently to let me know he wasn't viewing those materials, and after some time, I believed him. Talking about pornography was not a hush-hush topic in our home, but something we discussed openly with one another.

I remember at one point even feeling grateful for the entire experience because we went through something that made us so much closer. (Gosh, it really is through the tough stuff that we learn the most.)

Now obviously, my first marriage doesn't have the happiest of endings. About a year after this whole chapter, some other things happened that I won't share here now, but from my understanding, were unrelated to pornography. And I think I believe that.

So if you are reading this wondering how your marriage could ever recover from a pornography addiction, please let me be the first one to confidently tell you that yes, it can. There is help out there for both spouses and so much healing is possible. Please feel free to email me for specifics, or to just talk with someone who may know how you feel. There are actually so many people in this fight, but we often won't talk about it. I remember walking into our first group therapy session and seeing two of our friends there that we had no idea were struggling with the same issue.

You are not alone. Not by a long shot.

(Photos: WeHeartIt.com)