Remembering past falls

I took a nice, long, overdue walk through Central Park Sunday morning. The yellow leaves were falling from the trees and being swept away by the wind. It was cloudy and drizzling just a tad-enough to make you want to cuddle under the covers and eat some sort of carbohydrate made with pumpkin. I love this time of year.

Fall has become a rather sentimental period for me. The colors, the changes, that crispness in the air...I find myself continually taken back to this time two years ago. It reminds me of packing up my apartment and selling my reupholstered green wingback chair that I had once imagined my future children sitting in. It reminds me of hugging my ex-husband goodbye after signing the last of the divorce papers.  He wanted to remain friends, but I knew deep down it was the last time I would ever see him. It reminds me of sitting down to dinner with my parents and sister, who graciously let me move back into my childhood home for a year. It reminds me of spending Thanksgiving in Cancun with my mom, aunt and uncle. My aunt had insisted that I join her on her annual Mexico vacation after she found out about the divorce. We laughed so much during that trip. I still remember my mom and I giggling in the airport security line at the TSA agent who was more like a drill sergeant. It reminds me of flipping through vocab. flash cards in my cubicle at work as I studied for the GRE and imagined a future in New York. It reminds me of going to my friend's wedding in Utah. I hadn't told any of my friends about the divorce at that point as I didn't want to put a damper on the day. I remember driving my rental car to the wedding location and giving myself a pep talk. "If you can hold it together for the wedding," I told myself, "then you can cry as much as you need to tonight when you're back in the hotel room." It reminds me of the overwhelming amount of love and support that I was shown by so many people during that fall season. I tear up just thinking about it.

Oddly, I miss that fall so much. There is an amazing sense of clarity that comes in challenging times. I knew exactly what mattered and didn't care much to spend my energy on anything that didn't. I have tried so hard to hold on to that clarity, but I find it often gets muddled. To be honest, that really terrifies me. Here's to continually being grateful for our hard times, for grasping on to a clear perspective, recognizing what really matters and not spending energy on anything that doesn't.

That One Time I Tried Online Dating: Part 3

Read part one and part two.

Now let's make something clear before going any further. I would not agree to pick up some guy at the airport that I had talked to only via email without doing some background research. I didn't want to make headlines as a missing person and become the main character on an episode of "Dateline." Fortunately, my girlfriend, Chelsey, recognized someone in one of Jared's online pictures (oh gosh, this online dating world sounds so crazy as I type it out). It just so happened to be Chelsey's husband's cousin and after a little investigating, we learned her husband's cousin was Jared's roommate. Following?? On top of that, I have a friend who teaches at Jared's school and he confirmed that Jared was who he said he was. I considered the guy vetted.

The day of the date arrived and oh my goodness, my mind was moving a million miles a minute. I couldn't think a straight sentence! I stopped by Chelsey's house on the way to the airport to get any final words of encouragement. With her son bouncing on her hip, she tried to calm my nerves but nothing was going to stop my mind from racing. It was time to rip the Band-Aid off and do this. I said a quick prayer and off I went to the airport.

That One Time I Tried Online Dating: Part Two

Read part one here.

After typing in my credit card number for the required $15 membership fee, I uploaded my picture, typed in a few sentences for my profile page and filled out about 60 percent of the site's personality test.

Then....Then I didn't do a whole lot.

As I had learned during my first go-around on the dating site, I wasn't really interested in that many of the eligible men. There was actually only one man on the entire site that I thought was attractive. Some guy finishing his MBA at Ohio State. Seeing as that was hundreds of miles away, I didn't think that road was worth pursuing.

I checked the site every few days to see if there was anyone new or to respond to any "flirts" or messages sent my way. I exchanged a few messages with a guy named Sherman from Utah and a 51-year-old man invited me to take a midnight ride in his convertible. Both of those fizzled fast.

I was catching up with Margo one afternoon and telling her that the month was a total flop.

"There isn't anyone you're interested in?," she asked. I did a quick scan in my mind through the profiles I had seen.

"Nope, no one," I reported. "There was one cute guy in Ohio but, well, he's in Ohio."

Margo told me to message him and see what happens. I hesitated, but Margo and I basically came to the conclusion that I literally had nothing to lose at this point in my life.

Days later, I pulled up his profile and clicked "Message." I received a few messages during my month experiment, and let's just say there are very few ways to send an email to someone you've never met and let them know you're interested without sounding completely creepy.

So now with it being my turn to initiate a conversation, I knew I was attempting the impossible.

"A 51-year-old man is trying to date me. How's the site working out for you?"

A few days went by. No response. I figured that was that and looked forward to my move to New York City where I would more fully embrace dating.

Then one day, an email popped up in my inbox.

"Hi! Sorry it took me a while to reply. I had cancelled my subscription and was debating whether or not I should renew. I haven't had any cougar problems, but a 50-year-old woman is a lot less creepy than a 50-year-old man. Anyways, my name is Jared."

Jared. That's a name I now say and think about hundreds of times a day. But this, this was the first time.

He asked me about my life in Colorado. He told me about living in Columbus and missing the Utah mountains that he had grown accustomed to while he was going to college there. We talked about goals after school, our travel adventures, how I play a mean game of Scrabble, our families, my divorce, religion...Within a week, we were emailing several times a day and loving getting to know one another. I knew it would eventually fizzle out, seeing as we were so far apart, but it was just fun to have emails to look forward to.

Then one night, I was at Anthropologie returning something after having dinner with my parents. While the sales person was processing my refund, I pulled up my email on my phone to see another note from Jared.

"Hey, so I was looking at my itinerary for my trip to Salt Lake City next month and I have a layover in Denver. I am fairly certain that I can get a flight out of Salt Lake City a lot earlier in the day. Would you be interested in hanging out for half of the day? I thought it would be a good opportunity. If you don't want to, I understand."

I specifically remember feeling my face light up. My dad noticed too and asked what it was that I read. I quickly said something about getting a nice email from a friend. That wasn't a lie, right? It was technically a nice email from a friend. I actually kept Jared a secret for a while, except for a few girlfriends. I felt oddly protective of this new friendship and wanted to keep it safe.

It was not like me to do this. To email with some guy. To agree to meet him. Especially a guy like Jared. I had seen a few pictures of him and I felt like I was playing with someone way out of my league. I was just pretending the last few weeks. I couldn't possibly meet the guy...

Well, could I possibly meet the guy?

My girlfriend, Chelsey, was one of the few who knew about the emails. She asked me what I was going to do when I told her he wanted to meet.

"Well....I think I have to meet him."