Hitched

We did it!

On May 3, 2014 in New York City, Jared and I became husband and wife. And all I can say about that is: phew.

I had so much anxiety in the last few weeks of our engagement at the reality that I was going to be in a marriage again. And you know what?

There was nothing to worry about.

The moment I saw Jared on our wedding day, I felt such an overwhelming feeling of peace. We could not stop smiling at one another the entire morning, and as soon as we were pronounced husband and wife, I tangibly felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I had a moment with my mother after the wedding and all I could say was, “I feel so much lighter.” That battle of “Should I get married again? and “Is this really the right thing to do?” and even the tag that “I am divorced” was — poof — gone. It was the lightest I had felt in a long time. I am so grateful.

We are now two months in to this whole party and honestly, it has been so much easier than I expected. Jared assured me leading up to our wedding day that very little would change from dating to marriage, and aside from moving into his bachelor pad and a few other aspects of our relationship  (ahem), there hasn’t been that much of a difference. No surprises. No secrets. We just laugh a lot more now…. and make mango smoothies every night before we go to bed.

You guys, there was nothing to worry about.

Remembering past falls

I took a nice, long, overdue walk through Central Park Sunday morning. The yellow leaves were falling from the trees and being swept away by the wind. It was cloudy and drizzling just a tad-enough to make you want to cuddle under the covers and eat some sort of carbohydrate made with pumpkin. I love this time of year.

Fall has become a rather sentimental period for me. The colors, the changes, that crispness in the air...I find myself continually taken back to this time two years ago. It reminds me of packing up my apartment and selling my reupholstered green wingback chair that I had once imagined my future children sitting in. It reminds me of hugging my ex-husband goodbye after signing the last of the divorce papers.  He wanted to remain friends, but I knew deep down it was the last time I would ever see him. It reminds me of sitting down to dinner with my parents and sister, who graciously let me move back into my childhood home for a year. It reminds me of spending Thanksgiving in Cancun with my mom, aunt and uncle. My aunt had insisted that I join her on her annual Mexico vacation after she found out about the divorce. We laughed so much during that trip. I still remember my mom and I giggling in the airport security line at the TSA agent who was more like a drill sergeant. It reminds me of flipping through vocab. flash cards in my cubicle at work as I studied for the GRE and imagined a future in New York. It reminds me of going to my friend's wedding in Utah. I hadn't told any of my friends about the divorce at that point as I didn't want to put a damper on the day. I remember driving my rental car to the wedding location and giving myself a pep talk. "If you can hold it together for the wedding," I told myself, "then you can cry as much as you need to tonight when you're back in the hotel room." It reminds me of the overwhelming amount of love and support that I was shown by so many people during that fall season. I tear up just thinking about it.

Oddly, I miss that fall so much. There is an amazing sense of clarity that comes in challenging times. I knew exactly what mattered and didn't care much to spend my energy on anything that didn't. I have tried so hard to hold on to that clarity, but I find it often gets muddled. To be honest, that really terrifies me. Here's to continually being grateful for our hard times, for grasping on to a clear perspective, recognizing what really matters and not spending energy on anything that doesn't.

That One Time I Tried Online Dating

My profile picture taken at work on a cell phone. I was not taking this online dating business seriously.

My name is Amy Eley. And I met my boyfriend...online.

Gasp!

Okay, so perhaps there's not really a gasp. Online dating is becoming more prevalent, after all. But I still do pause for a moment whenever someone asks how Jared and I met. It was totally on the World Wide Web. Here's how it all started...

Once my divorce went through, I felt really ready to start dating again. I wasn't anxious to get into anything serious, but I wanted to meet some good men and have hope for my future. The problem was that I really didn't know how to go about it. Most of my friends were married and I struggled to tap into the single scene in Denver completely alone. My girlfriend, Margo, had the time of her life on a dating website (and yes, she actually ended up marrying one of the men she met!), so she eventually started pushing me to make a profile and just see what happened.

Late one night, I bit the bullet. I created a profile on a dating website and within 20 minutes of browsing its members, I freaked out. Send a flirt? A hug? And the dreaded "About Me" section! I couldn't do it. I cancelled my membership, slammed my laptop shut and wiped my hands clean of that idea.

A few weeks went by and Margo slowly began coaxing me back. "You don't have to meet the love of your life," she told me. "Just have some fun."

One month. That's all I would have to give it. Just set up a profile for one month and then I can close the "My Experience Online Dating" chapter of my life.

Well, that short month would change everything....

A Tip For Friends Of Divorcees

While I was in Denver a few weeks ago, I came upon boxes that I had packed away years ago during my divorce. Finding these boxes now is such a treat. Not because inside lies treasures (Anthropologie bowls!), but because inside each box panel is a special note from a dear friend who helped me pack my apartment during that time. 

Also, on that note, here's a little tip for how you can help someone going through a divorce: If he or she is moving out of the apartment, offer to help sift through belongings. 

Every couple separates things up differently, but in my case, my ex and I didn't care much about who got what. I was ready to pack up my clothes and be done with it. I'm so thankful now that I had a friend there to pack away some dishes, knives (which can really be quite expensive), books, decor, etc. 

It sounds so trivial, and really it is, but when I started all over here in New York, it was so nice to find that I already had many of those staples. I do still kick myself, however, for not going through the toolbox! I miss that staple gun!

Handmade Ornaments

Photo from here. 

The New York City streets are lined with Christmas trees. No tree lots here. I'd trade the usual smell of exhaust and garbage for the smell of pine any day! I did a little write up on the BEST handmade ornaments this season has to offer for Gallant & Jones. You can see what I found here. 

Writing that post and smelling the trees makes me miss having a tree of my own. This is the first Christmas in years that I haven't had one. Somewhere in the attic in Denver is a small collection of ornaments I shared with my ex. I can't wait to iron out the wrinkles in my favorite tree skirt and hang those ornaments once again. I was worried when I packed them away last year that using them again would be too painful. Now? I can't wait. They are, after all, a part of my story. 

Ramblings About Identity

It has been a tougher week this week! But I'm surviving and am only days away from an amazing weekend of edification and inspiration from speakers in my church in an event named General Conference. You can watch too, here! Let me tell you, I so need this weekend.

I have become increasingly terrified of losing myself. Or perhaps I've already lost myself? Or am in process? I don't think any of the above is in fact true, but it's been on my mind this week.

I feel like through our toughest moments, we come to understand who we really are. What we are really capable of. It provides this amazing driving force that takes down fears and embraces new opportunities. I loved that. It made the hard times of last year completely worth it and in fact, I think last year's experience was essential to my growth. I'm grateful for that experience of divorce. Truly 100% grateful.

But I'm on to a new chapter now. I'm in a new city, doing new things, dating new people, making new friends. And I have become so terrified but losing that grip on who I really am. I feel like unless I treat myself so carefully and don't let anyone in, I can protect that identity. I think the former part of that sentence is okay. It's the latter part that is hard. Not letting anyone in? Is that what I really want? Is that the only way to keep a firm understanding and hold on the power of identity?

There's a taste of my Thursday morning....Off to yoga...

Jimmy Fallon

Last fall, when everything seemed so despairing, Jimmy Fallon kept me laughing.

Every day at work, I would turn to an episode from Hulu while typing away. I'd try and hold in my laughs but I have no doubt that surrounding cubes could hear me cracking up. This clip will always be a favorite.

Yesterday, I dashed over from school to watch a taping of the show. It felt so surreal! At the end, I was able to shake his hand while inside I wanted to shout "THANK YOU for keeping me laughing during those months!"

My love affair with this city and all it holds continues....

Meeting Mara Kofoed

Tucked away in my nightstand is a pink booklet. Flip open the cover and you'll find a "Bucket List" of sorts, outlining the things I want to do with this life of mine.

Finish the four standard works.
Surprise my children with a trip to Disney World.
Run a half marathon. (Check!)

Also listed:

Meet Mara Kofoed.

This woman, through her blog, provided me with such great hope last year. I knew in those troubling months of divorce that I would be better than okay again...That the experiences I was having were essential to my growth...But Mara was a real, physical example to me of what I could develop because of my divorce.

Well my friends, I get to check off another goal in my pink book! On Saturday, I was able to listen to Mara and her husband, Danny, speak at an LDS Young Singles Adults Conference here in New York. I shook when I met her and quickly began tearing up as I tried to sum up in a few sentences the impact she had on my healing. She held my hand as I stuttered out something that I hope was coherent, and expressed her own gratitude for my readership.

Mara and Danny then spent an hour discussing the act of becoming whole with yourself. At the end of the hour, I left feeling enriched and reminded that standing alone, independent of anyone or anything else, I have all I need to be happy (and we're never completely alone, are we?).

PS: After writing this post, I realized how many times I reference Mara throughout this blog! Oy vey. She is a terrific woman doing terrific things. Check her out here.

Why A Girl Who Hated Running Signed Up For a Half Marathon

I think June 9th may have been one of the best days of my life. Which sounds crazy because it was the day I ran a half marathon.

Side note: I would NEVER have thought one of the best days of my life would include running. 

Back story behind the madness: Last year was a doozy. I've mentioned it briefly here but my divorce was the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. In the midst of the separation and divorce, I decided to take the GRE and apply to graduate school. Now try going through the deepest heartbreak of your life, the identity change, depression, and endless paperwork that comes with that heartbreak all while studying for a seemingly impossible test. People ask me how I did it and truthfully, I went numb there for a while. I think one way to cope with our trials is to hunker down and do what you have to do. 

Well my approach to the GRE was basically "I am going to bomb this and I won't get it anywhere but let's just get it done so I can move on from the graduate school bug". Over the weeks of studying, I somehow convinced myself that I wasn't going to bomb this and graduate school was actually a possibility. As it turns out, I didn't bomb it at all. And I'm going to graduate school. Well, that got me thinking....What other impossible things can I do?

In fact, what is the most impossible thing in my world? The answer was easy.

Running.

The numbness may have added a bit to this decision because at that point, I just wanted to feel again. Even if it was heart-racing, gasping pain, I was ready to feel it. So the idea of a half marathon was planted in my head.

I started jogging a bit here and there. I basically repeated Week 1 of Hal Higdon's program for 2 months...Come February, I knew that if I was going to actually do this, it was time to register for a race to have some accountability and get cracking. I called up a girlfriend of mine and we decided the Utah Valley Half Marathon was where it was at and with $70 and a Frontier flight, I was Provo bound. Now it was time to work.

I followed Higdon program religiously. I'd wake up at 4:30 am to eat something, then sleep until 5:30 am and be pounding the pavement by 6. Even then I'd be late to work sometimes. Hindsight, I think my training here followed the same path as the GRE.

I'm going to bomb this but why not give it a go?

Then after a while it became..

Hmm...I'm actually able to run 7 miles...Maybe I could run the whole 13.1...

The week before the race I realized I could not only do this but I may do pretty well. 

Folks, June 9th was a day to remember in my book. Race recap tomorrow...

How An Anthro Sale Strengthened My Faith

I'm a girl who doesn't pay full price for anything. And I can honestly say I don't shop very often (although this is the second Anthro-related posted in the last few weeks). But yesterday, I made a rather substantial shopping trip to Anthropologie.

While I feel some guilt over it, I also think it was God's way of taking care of me.

Don't roll your eyes, I'm serious!

You see, right after I became just me, I was standing in an Anthropologie dressing room surrounded by beautiful, expensive clothes. And I suddenly thought, "I'm going to buy all of this." I knew that meant spending more than $800 but I didn't care one bit in that moment. That was what I wanted. While in every other aspect of my life it didn't seem to matter one bit about what I wanted, this...this I could make happen.

Then that logical, couponer in me piped in. I walked out empty-handed.

But this month....Oy vey.... If there ever was a month in my life where I could use some retail therapy, it's this month. In fact, I don't even need the whole month, just the next 8 days. Official divorcement, Christmas and would-be anniversary all fall within 8 days of one another.

Well yesterday I get another email from Anthropologie. Big sale aaaand take 50% off the bottom price.

I would not be surprised if my right bicep is sore tomorrow from the lug of clothes I carried to the dressing room this afternoon.

So in the end, I still had my shopping spree at a low(er) cost.

Win, win.

Blogs Bless

I found the most beautiful blog last Friday.

I was sitting in my cube, still feeling that complete hopelessness. I don't feel it all the time. But like I said earlier, when I do, it's all consuming.

I can't quite remember how I found it but I stumbled upon this blog and nearly cried.

All my feelings, all my thoughts, this woman had felt once before.

And she is better for it.

Plus, she is living in New York City. My city. Well, soon to be my city (will spill more soon).

I felt like I was looking at me, a few years down the road (please let it be sooner than that), and I became so uplifted, so hopeful.

A Hard Time

image

I recently was reviewing a transcription of an interview I conducted about a year ago. In it, the subject expressed a greater need for authenticity on the blogosphere.

"Authenticity is what inspires," she said. "Genuineness ignites passion."

I believe there is great power in showing people that we are each human. I am human. I am vulnerable. And on some days, I have a really hard time.

While those waves of grief crash less often than they used to, they do still come around, often when I least expect it. And when they hit, no matter how many times they have come before, it's hard to remember that I will recover. That I will smile again. I will laugh. I will feel happiness.

Today I fought the tears all day long. I felt like one question, one word, one comment from anyone (whether it was related to my situation or not) would make me shatter into a million pieces.

Remember this line from "Sleepless in Seattle"? That Tom Hanks said my thoughts today perfectly.

I'm going to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while, I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed in the morning and breathe in and out.

And that is that. I have no "happier ever after" ending to this post because this day didn't fit into that little package.

Today was a "And she kept living...".

Some days, I think that is the most we can ask of ourselves.

Give Me A Few Years

"I was living in London and I had been dating this guy for 7 years. I wanted children, and he wanted cats. So I broke up with him and moved to New York when I was 30. And everything I have in my life now- my daughters, my site, my career- I have because a guy wouldn't marry me. The biggest heartbreaks in life that seen insurmountable, when you look back, you see that it was all for a reason."

-Arianna Huffitngon, accepting her Glamour Woman of the year award.

I know I'll say this one day.

Adele Knows Her Stuff

(a little pick-me-up every time I look at the keyboard)

"No one treats me as well as I do."
-Adele on being single

Don't you love that?

I am no expert on dealing with grief. I have religion and a therapist to help me conquer that beast. And I am fully aware that a manicure will not solve deep heartbreak.

But it certainly doesn't hurt.

In those first terrifying weeks, it took all of my energy simply to shower and get to my job. Fortunately (and I say that with complete understanding of how fortunate I am for this), I had family to put a plate of food in front of me when it was time to eat and a Tylenol PM on my nightstand when it was time to sleep.

After some time, I was able to take care of myself again and I began incorporating little treats to me, from me, throughout the day. Because there is nothing wrong with loving yourself.

So this week, I'm going to share some of my favorite tiny, inexpensive ways to show yourself a little L-O-V-E.

What do you do for yourself? How do you love you?

In The Worst Of Times

(a visual of my holiday)

"Friends are like angels who lift our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

I just returned from a week in Mexico with my Mom, great Aunt and Uncle. Drinking chocolate shakes, eating chips and salsa, reading books poolside...It was heaven.

On Wednesday afternoon, I found myself floating aimlessly in the pool, looking up at the cloudless blue sky. My mind drifted to the tender blessings that have flooded my life in the past four months.

Don't get me wrong. Div...ahem...the D word is hell. Nothing can sugarcoat that. And while I can't argue that this has been the hardest period of my life, I think that it also has been the sweetest.

I had friends come out of the woodwork from around the country. I spent a weekend in LA with my college roommate while another flew to Denver from Mississippi a mere 72 hours after finding out about the D. She almost single-handedly packed up my apartment. A friend saw me tear up at Church one Sunday and within seconds had her arms wrapped around me in the tightest hug. She stayed just like that until my tears dried. I have come home from work to bouquets of flowers on more than one occasion, opened care packages and received chats, emails and texts just when I needed them.

This Thanksgiving, amidst the pain of my current situation, I feel such immense gratitude for the angels that surround me.

I have never felt so loved.

Back Up

It's nice to see you (again).

Going back to the old site sends me into a spiral of grief. That mister is no longer my mister. Neither is Ono. And as much as I have missed writing, every time I click on that site, my heart sinks and I take a punch to the gut.

So now I'm here. A little scarred. Pretty bruised. But I'm here. And I'm glad you are too.